


It only hurts when I breathe

by jperalta



Category: Prodigal Son (TV 2019)
Genre: First Time Blow Jobs, Hallucinations, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Malcolm Bright Gets a Hug, Nightmares, Panic Attacks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-03-18
Updated: 2020-04-13
Packaged: 2021-02-28 19:54:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,484
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23192770
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jperalta/pseuds/jperalta
Summary: Malcolm and Vijay are doing homework together, when something on the news sets Malcolm off.Vijay tries to comfort Malcolm during a panic attack. Then later, Malcolm has a nightmare and wakes Vijay up.The next day their relationship goes a bit further~~// Please always let me know if there are any additional tags that should be added. //
Relationships: Malcolm Bright & Vijay Chandasara
Comments: 11
Kudos: 114





	1. Chapter 1

Malcolm was sitting on his bed doing homework with the TV on in the background. The news was now playing since his program he was watching earlier had ended hours ago and he didn’t have the energy to change the channel or turn it off. Vijay was at the desk, giant headphones on, bopping his head along to whatever music he was listening to as he twirled a highlighter in his hand. Malcolm let himself sneak a peek at him in the corner of his eye and looked back to his own work with a smirk.

Then a word on the news caught his ears:  _ homicide _ . Malcolm felt a sharp pang in his chest and the hair on the back of his neck instantly stood up, as if his body was shouting at him to be on alert. The words emitting from the TV seemed louder than before, and Malcolm found himself only catching a few words here and there:  _ college-aged victim, female, unknown murderer, at large _ . He knew it couldn’t possibly have been his father. He was locked up in that cell; he knew it - he had just seen him. Yet he couldn’t get the idea out of his head. He saw his father’s face hover over the television and he squeezed his eyes shut.  _ This isn’t happening _ , he whispered to himself, but he couldn’t stop it. His brain was spinning now, wrongly prompting a fight-or-flight response to his broken body and he felt everything start to fade. 

The television seemed like it was screaming at him now. The newscaster was laughing at him, mocking him, or was it his father? He couldn’t think straight. He couldn’t see properly. His pencil quivered in his grasp and he squeezed it as hard as he could until it broke in his hand, the pieces falling to the floor. He had to make it stop. Looking ahead at the television, he tried to make himself move to change it, but he found that he was incredibly dizzy. He was able to stand for a second before crashing into the set, hitting a button to change the station as he fell to his knees. The station had turned to some old movie where a woman was screaming, and the nausea welled up inside of Malcolm’s stomach. He couldn’t even remember the last thing that he ate, but he knew that didn’t matter. It never did.

The sound of Malcolm crashing into the television had gotten Vijay’s attention, and he whipped his headphones off and looked over at Malcolm, hunched over on the ground. “Malcolm?” He questioned, a little afraid but mostly concerned. 

Malcolm tried to swallow down his anxiety but it did absolutely nothing. “I’m fine,” he said, not even attempting to sound convincing. Vijay turned in his chair and Malcolm could feel his eyes on him. He tried to stand up again and smacked the television, finally turning it off, but he had smacked it too hard and the burst of adrenaline was enough to send his mind too far away. His stomach twisted around itself and he felt like he was going to get sick. He hated his body. He hated what his brain did to his body. And he hated that his friend was here to witness all of this. He felt like such a burden. 

“What can I do?” Vijay asked, and the concern in his voice made Malcolm feel even worse.

And that’s when Malcolm completely lost it - the sobs he had been holding in burst out of his mouth before he knew what was happening. His limbs were shaking so badly that he thought he surely must be dying. He collapsed fully onto the ground, taking in sharp and shallow breaths and his body continued shaking.

Vijay fell to the ground beside him. “Malcolm, hey, breathe, please. Should I call 911?”

Malcolm shook his head and pointed weakly to his bedside drawer. Vijay ran over to it and upon opening it found a small orange bottle.  _ Take as needed for anxiety _ , it said. There was one left. He brought it to Malcolm who popped it into his mouth and swallowed it dry. It was bitter in his mouth but it didn’t matter. 

Vijay looked at his friend feeling helpless. He’d never seen anyone have a panic attack this bad before and he wished he knew what to do. He looked down at his own hands and held one out to Malcolm. “You can squeeze it, if you want.”

Malcolm took a hold of it in his own. Vijay’s skin was soft and Malcolm tried to focus on that - tried to focus on anything good. He squeezed hard. Vijay moved from a squatting position to sitting cross-legged next to Malcolm and he squeezed his hand back. Malcolm’s skin was warm and clammy and he felt bad about everything all at once. His body was weak and he was almost surprised he hadn’t passed out yet, as he had sometimes before. Instead, he felt Vijay scoot closer to him, and Malcolm let his body fall onto his friend’s shoulder. Vijay wrapped his arms around Malcolm as he sobbed, rubbing his thumb on Malcolm’s back and repeating “it’s okay” to him over and over - it was the only thing he could think to do. Malcolm burrowed his head more into his friend’s chest, trying to focus on Vijay’s own beating heart. It was also beating fast, of course not nearly as fast as his own. Malcolm tried to count the beats in an attempt to do anything to distract himself from the yelling inside of his mind. He focused on the heartbeat, on the hand in his own, on the thumb rubbing his shoulder blade. 

After a bit of time, after Vijay held him sobbing for at least ten minutes, Malcolm could feel his heart rate slowing and the drug beginning to take effect. He knew he’d soon be in that calm foggy haze that came after taking the pill, and the thought alone was comforting enough to ease his heart rate down to its regular speed. He leaned up and away from Vijay’s shoulder, frantically wiping the tears from his face as he did. Malcolm took in one more breath - deeper this time, longer - and let it out slowly. The worst of it was over - again. He caught Vijay’s eyes and instantly felt ashamed, although he knew he shouldn’t. But he couldn’t stop himself from drawing his legs to his chest and hugging them, burying his face in his knees.

“Mal,” Vijay began, unsure of exactly what to say. He opened his mouth a few times but failed to find the words he was searching for. Eventually he just frowned and whispered out, “I’m so sorry.”

Malcolm looked up and saw Vijay staring at the ground between them. He reached out with his toes and poked Vijay’s thigh. “Thank you,” Malcolm said, and Vijay gave a look as if asking if he’d really even done anything. “Really,” Malcolm continued. “Most people just… ignore me. Run away. Or…” he thought about the kids when he was younger who would make fun of him whenever he was like that. The teachers who’d yell at him to cut it out, to stop causing a scene. He wanted to curl more into himself as those memories resurfaced but he tried to push them away. “Just, thank you.”

Vijay reached out and grabbed Malcolm’s hand in his own again, squeezing it tightly. “I’m not sure I entirely understand everything that goes on with you,” he began, and Malcolm almost wanted to laugh. He didn’t understand it all himself. “But I am here for you.”

His tone almost made Malcolm start to cry again, but in a different way this time. He couldn’t resist himself and leaned in to hug Vijay again, resting his head in the corner of his neck and shoulder and for once feeling safe.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Part 2! That night, Malcolm has a nightmare and wakes Vijay up, and Vijay will do anything to calm him down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This time featuring more Softness at the end.

Sometime within the hour, the medication fully kicked in and Malcolm was struggling to see straight. So Vijay made him a small sandwich that he nearly forced him to eat, then let him collapse onto the bed wearing only his boxers. Vijay looked at him pityingly, knowing Malcolm would hate it if he saw that look himself. But Vijay didn’t know what else to do. He looked at his friend as he fell asleep in record time, and hoped he’d stay asleep for as long as he could.

A few hours later, the two were asleep in their beds which were so close together in the small dorm room that they could reach out and touch hands if they wanted. Malcolm had started off the night with a surprisingly dreamless sleep, but now that was coming to an end. In his mind, he was back in his father’s cell again, but this time he was chained to the wall and his father was roaming around free. The voices weren’t entirely clear, but Malcolm knew his father was taunting him over something, somehow. He kept hearing the word “trapped” and he was becoming increasingly aware of how warm it was. He looked at the window and realized it was gone, looked at the door and realized that was gone too. Everything was gone and it was just the two of them in this empty room, Malcolm chained to the wall and his father standing in front of him, holding a knife. In the dream his father moved closer until Malcolm was trembling, the chain rattling as he did. He was yelling for him to stop, begging for him not to touch him, but it didn’t matter. He kept moving closer.

In the dorm room Vijay was awakened when he heard movement, and he opened his eyes to Malcolm struggling again. His body was curled into the fetal position and his eyes were scrunched shut tight. Vijay’s heart began to race as he wished that Malcolm could go back to a peaceful sleep. 

Instead it became worse. Malcolm started to twitch and make small noises. “No,” he whimpered, “please, no.” And Vijay’s heart broke for his friend. Malcolm moved around frantically and started to yell, and instinctively Vijay jumped out of his own bed and climbed into Malcolm’s.

“Malcolm, it’s okay!” Vijay shouted, desperately trying to wake him up even though he remembered hearing before that you weren’t supposed to wake someone up when they were like this. But he couldn’t just lie there and watch his friend struggle to breathe again. 

“Get off me! Get off me!” Malcolm screamed in his sleep as he tried to push Vijay away, but Vijay just held onto Malcolm’s arms tighter, squeezing them, trying to bring him out of it.

“It’s okay, Malcolm, it’s me!” Suddenly Malcolm’s eyes opened and he started looking around the room wildly, as if trying to remember where he was. “You’re here - you’re in your room. With me,” Vijay stated calmly. “You’re safe, okay?”

Malcolm’s breathing was still incredibly rapid but his mind allowed him to adapt to the fact that he wasn’t in his father’s cell, and that the hands on his body weren’t his father’s as he had initially thought but his friend’s. 

“It’s okay,” Vijay repeated. “You’re safe. I got you.” 

Relief overwhelmed Malcolm as he began to cry again, burying his face into Vijay’s chest. Vijay wrapped his arms around Malcolm and held him as tightly as he could. His shirt was becoming wet as Malcolm cried but of course he didn’t care. “I thought I was there,” Malcolm said into his friend’s chest. “With him, helpless…” 

“You’re not with him,” Vijay said soothingly. “You’re with me, in our room. You’re safe. He can’t hurt you anymore.”

Malcolm pressed his nose into his friend’s shirt and tried to focus on how nice Vijay’s hands felt on his bare back. He was pulled in closer, their legs were intertwined, and the positive human connection felt good. He had almost forgotten that sometimes human touch can feel good, as he had been flinching away from most people for the past several years. But in Vijay’s arms he felt safe, and he didn’t want it to end. He held his friend back just as tightly as he was being held. Vijay’s mouth was against Malcolm’s neck, and he softly pressed his lips against his skin. The sensation sent a calming tingle through Malcolm’s body and he felt himself relaxing. Vijay did it again and Malcolm sighed. 

“Is this okay?” Vijay whispered.

“Yes,” Malcolm answered back almost immediately. It was more than okay. Vijay ran his hands through Malcolm’s hair, eager to calm his friend down as much as possible. 

“I just wanted to be sure.”

Him saying that almost made Malcolm start to cry again - the fact that he had even thought to ask, that he cared about how Malcolm felt - it was all so overwhelming. He wasn’t sure that he had ever felt so cared for, so looked after. And now he was lying in this boy’s arms and for a moment he was convinced that nobody could hurt him. They didn’t say anything for a bit as they held each other in Malcolm’s bed until they both fell asleep again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Round and round and round she goes, where I'll go with this - nobody knows


	3. Chapter 3

When Malcolm woke up the next morning, as dawn was starting to break, he found himself feeling rested for the first time in a while. Vijay was still asleep, curled up into himself with an arm tucked under Malcolm. Malcolm couldn’t help but smile a bit when he looked at him. He squirmed himself to the end of the bed and managed to get up without waking Vijay. When his feet hit the floor, he realized it was cold and he had to put on a pair of socks. It was the first cool morning since before summer and he cherished it. 

He walked himself into the bathroom and didn’t bother to close the door behind him. As he was washing his face in the sink, he noticed that his hands were trembling, and he gripped the edges of the sink. He tried to take in a deep breath - in slowly, out slower - and to tell himself that it was okay, that there was no threat of harm to him right now, but his breath kept catching. Still he took in deeper breaths and caught a glimpse of his own face in the mirror. “You’re okay,” he whispered to himself. “You just need to breathe.”

Vijay’s face appeared over his shoulder and it almost startled him. He turned around quickly to look at his friend, who was leaning against the door frame, one arm holding the other. “I didn’t mean to scare you,” he said softly.

Malcolm felt horrible just for making him think that. “No, of course not, I know that,” Malcolm stammered out.

“Are you okay this morning?” Vijay took a few steps into the bathroom and Malcolm found himself involuntarily taking a few steps back. No matter how kind people were, he still instinctively resisted them, and he wanted to change. A look of shame came across Vijay’s face and Malcolm could have melted right there. “I’m sorry,” Vijay said, taking a step back to the door frame.

“No, it’s really not you,” Malcolm tried, taking a few steps himself towards Vijay. “In my head, I still have it figured that… that people are…”

“Something to be avoided?” Vijay slid his heel along the ground. “I can understand that.”

Malcolm sighed. “I don’t want to feel like that.”

“I don’t want you to feel like that either.”

Malcolm wanted to close the distance between himself and Vijay, to throw himself into his arms again, but something was holding him back - something always seemed to be holding him back. 

Vijay seemed to sense that Malcolm was struggling. “What do you want me to do?”

Malcolm felt his voice hitch in his throat. “I don’t know,” he said. “Last night, it was nice.”

Vijay seemed relieved and let out a small half-smile. “I’m glad I could help.”

Malcolm smiled at him. “You did.” He crossed his arms so he could hide his shaking hands underneath his armpits. “It was… calming.” He looked up at Vijay as he was still leaning against the doorway. He swallowed his breath a few times before saying, “come here.”

“Are you sure?” Vijay immediately asked. 

And Malcolm wasn’t entirely sure, but he did know that Vijay’s touches had been gentle and relaxing, and that Malcolm had felt so incredibly safe and loved. So Malcolm nodded. And Vijay inched closer to Malcolm in the bathroom, moving slowly as if he was trying to sneak up on a bird without startling it. Malcolm was trying as much as he could not to show how nervous he was, but he knew it was pointless. He uncrossed his arms again so his hands were shaking in front of his body. When Vijay was within a few inches, he reached out to grab Malcolm’s hands, and Malcolm immediately looked down to see their fingers intertwined. And again he felt safe - overwhelmed, but safe in this boy’s grasp. 

Vijay thumbed at Malcolm’s wrist and Malcolm knew he’d feel the rough, scarred over skin from the last time he had hurt himself. His heart dropped. This would surely be the end of it. He felt like he was going to get sick.

But Vijay didn’t back away in horror at the sight. Instead he brought Malcolm’s wrist up to his face and placed his lips to the scars gently. “It’s okay,” Vijay whispered to him. “It’s okay.”

Malcolm hated that the tears were coming to his eyes but he couldn’t stop it. He wished there was a way to feel this level of excitement without fearing that it was going to lead to another panic attack. He looked at Vijay’s lips and could tell Vijay was looking back at him, and he desperately wanted to close the space between the two of them, but some deep-set fear kept him back. He wondered if Vijay would do it himself. 

Vijay pulled Malcolm in closer so that Malcolm’s arms were resting on Vijay’s hips. “I want to kiss you,” he said. Malcolm said nothing and just continued to stare at the set of lips in front of him. Then Vijay asked, “can I kiss you?”

Not knowing where the willpower came from, Malcolm nodded ever so slightly. Then Vijay raised a hand onto Malcolm’s neck and pulled him in close until their lips were touching. The sensation sent electricity through Malcolm’s body, from his chest down through his legs and out his toes. He rested his own hand on Vijay’s neck and blended their bodies together further, pressing his tongue inside of Vijay’s mouth as he felt Vijay do the same. After a few moments, Malcolm jerked away.

“Are you okay?” was the first thing out of Vijay’s mouth.

Malcolm nodded, but he wasn’t sure and he let his head fall onto Vijay’s shoulder. He felt Vijay’s hands rubbing over his back and they pressed their bodies closer together until their hips were touching. 

“This is nice,” Malcolm assured Vijay while trying to catch his breath. “I just still feel so scared.” 

Vijay kissed Malcolm’s neck again. “That’s okay. You’re allowed to feel scared.”

Malcolm nodded into Vijay’s shoulder. “Can we just… take it slow, please?” 

He felt Vijay back away and for a moment he thought that that would be the end of everything. But Vijay just held Malcolm’s head in his own. “We can go as slow as you want.” A tear slid down Malcolm’s cheek as he nodded again, and he felt Vijay brush it away. “Let’s get some breakfast, yeah?” 


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> M&V go further~

Malcolm and Vijay were both doing homework on their beds. Vijay had fallen asleep with a book half over his face, and Malcolm couldn’t stop looking at him. He looked so at peace and Malcolm was envious - envious that some people could just casually fall asleep in the middle of the day, and then still fall asleep at night, and sleep for a full eight hours or sometimes more. And yet he couldn’t feel too envious, because again, Vijay looked so at peace. Malcolm started to feel an unsettling feeling of love in his stomach, and he was worried he was falling too hard, worried that it was just going to end horribly. He tried to push the feeling aside, but it was practically impossible. Just breathe, he thought to himself, you’re thinking too fast.

Vijay opened his eyes and for a moment Malcolm forgot he was staring - that is until Vijay let a smirk slip through his lips and Malcolm felt the blood rush to his cheeks as he looked down. HIs mouth was dry and he felt nervous again, but nervous in the way where he again just wanted to throw himself towards Vijay and whatever happened would happen.

“What’s going on, dude?” Vijay said casually, as if he wasn’t radiating some sort of intoxicating energy that kept drawing Malcolm in.

“Nothing,” Malcolm said, already almost out of breath.

“Doesn’t look like nothing,” Vijay let out with a chuckle.

Then something overcame Malcolm and he jumped out of his bed and placed himself beside Vijay. After that he felt scared, and curled himself against Vijay’s chest. Almost as if on cue, Vijay wrapped his arms around him. “Hey, what’s going on?” 

Malcolm wasn’t sure, and he had no clue what to say. “I just had to be near you,” he said stupidly. “That sounds silly. I don’t know. I…”

“It’s okay, it’s okay,” Vijay held him tighter but Malcolm pushed himself against Vijay’s chest so there were a few inches between their faces. He stared at Vijay’s lips, wanting it and simultaneously so horribly afraid, and of what? He couldn’t pinpoint it, but it was a terrible mixed sensation running through his body. 

Malcolm felt Vijay gently run a hand through his hair before holding it, and Malcolm’s breath continued to get faster. He could close in the space between their lips, but he was too goddam scared. Yet he still wanted it. Vijay’s thumb ran across his scalp. “Kiss me,” he breathed, and within seconds, they were connected again and the electricity coursed through his body, through every inch of his skin as he felt Vijay’s hands all over his body. They kissed more and Vijay ended up on top of Malcolm, looking down on him with that beautiful smile. Malcolm almost wanted to cry - he was so happy and so afraid at the same time. The feeling in his body felt so similar to a panic attack and he tried to remind himself that it wasn’t the same thing, that he was capable of experiencing excitement and arousal without a catch. He pulled Vijay’s mouth to his own again.

Vijay started to rub his hands over Malcolm’s pants, and Malcolm could feel himself growing harder with every touch, with every passing second, with every breath Vijay put into him. Vijay pulled his mouth away from Malcolm’s and let his hand glide over Malcolm’s pants, a finger tucked behind the waistband. “Is it okay if I…”

Malcolm nodded furiously. “Yes, god.” Vijay slid Malcolm’s pants and boxers down with one motion, and suddenly Vijay’s mouth was kissing his thighs. “Fuck, fuck.”

Then Vijay stopped. “Are you sure you’re okay?” Malcolm wasn’t sure. He never was. But it was too late to stop now.

“I think so, yes,” Malcolm muttered, knowing he sounded terrified. “I’ve just… never done this before. And you’re so beautiful. And you… you keep asking if it’s okay to do everything you do and I appreciate it so much.”

“Of course I ask,” Vijay said as he kissed Malcolm’s bare chest. “I want you to be comfortable. You deserve to feel that way.”

And again Malcolm tried not to cry, and he knew at any minute he would probably fail, but he was starting to not care as much. He felt so unbelievably safe with Vijay, yet he felt so scared at the idea of one day losing him, at messing this up. “Have you… done this before?” Malcolm asked. 

Vijay brought his mouth back to Malcolm’s and kissed him for several seconds before stopping to smile. “Done what?” 

“Well, you know, been with a guy?”

Vijay’s smile faded a bit. “Yeah,” he averted his gaze from Malcolm’s. “Last summer. But he wasn’t near as wonderful as you.”

And Malcolm couldn’t get the feeling that Vijay was lying out of his mind, since Malcolm didn’t think much of himself. “What do you mean?” He uttered. Vijay touched Malcolm’s hair and looked at him again. He licked his lips, as if unsure he wanted to have this conversation right now. “No, forget it, you don’t have to tell me, really.”

“No, it’s okay, I just... “ Vijay kissed Malcolm’s cheek, pressing their chests together as he did and Malcolm melted in the moment. “Let’s just say he didn’t always ask first.”

Malcolm’s heart dropped and he closed his eyes, ashamed of himself. “V, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have…” He wanted to wrap himself up in a blanket and lock himself in the closet. He didn’t deserve this kindness, these gentle touches, anymore. 

“Malcolm, be quiet for a second,” he said before kissing Malcolm and touching him in a way that made him groan. “I’ve talked about it with people. I’m okay. I promise.”

“I wish I could do something. I shouldn’t have asked. I’m so sorry.”

“You want to do something?” Vijay pushed down lightly on Malcolm’s chest with one hand and played with his hair in the other. And Malcolm was so smitten he would die right there if it meant Vijay would touch him for one more minute. “We can talk about it later if you want, but you know what you can do right now?”

Malcolm nodded, desperate to please, willing to do whatever Vijay wanted.

“You can be quiet, try to relax, and let me make you happy - let me continue to do what I was going to do before.”

Malcolm thought for a moment, staring into Vijay’s eyes, before nodding again. “Yes, please,” he said.

Vijay smiled again. “Yes please,” he repeated back to him. “You don’t even know how cute you are, do you?”

And Malcolm found himself close to giggling. “Shut up,” he said, pulling Vijay back towards him. Vijay’s head worked down Malcolm’s chest and as Vijay took Malcolm into his mouth, Malcolm let out a gasp and twisted his fingers into Vijay’s hair. He wanted to say he loved him, but he held back. He wanted to say a thousand things, to express the thousands of emotions he was feeling, but he didn’t. Instead he focused on the feeling of Vijay’s mouth wrapped around him as he leaned back into the bed and moaned.


End file.
